Elizabeth's Parents Come Over for XMas and Peter is not Pleased
by JustforMary
Summary: Lessons will be learned. May offend those with delicate sensibilities and low reading comprehension. It's only about spanking if that's how you (incorrectly) choose to interpret it.


"Damn it, Neal," Peter said gruffly, "I told you, this Christmas, you had to stay away. I have family coming over. I don't need to explain to my inlaws that I hang out with a criminal all the time."

Neal combed his magnificent beard with Peter's badge and stood. "Well if I'm not wanted, I guess I'll just go then."

Neal took a step toward the door as Peter watched, a grumpy patina drenched over his grumpy ass grump face. He took another step and looked back. "I'm going," Neal said sadly. "Don't worry."

"I'm not worried," Peter said. "Go."

Neal took another step. "I just thought, maybe, that, I don't know, I could stay here, at your house, since I have no family and my parents are dead and Mozzie is a jew."

Peter finished his third eggnog and set his glass down on the counter, missing the coaster. "Please, Neal. Elizabeth's parents are always looking for a reason to discipline me. I can't take it this time."

Neal took a step back toward Peter. "I'll take it for you, Peter. I can take it."

_**WCWCWCWCWCWCWCWC**_

The doorbell rang, playing a Christmas tune in chimes.

"I'll get it!" Elizabeth yelled as she scampered into the foyer. She flung open the door and her parents stepped into the house. "Mom! Dad!"

"I see that Peter failed once again in decorating the house for Christmas," Elizabeth's dad said. "I thought I taught him a lesson last year. A _hard _lesson."

Elizabeth sighed. "You did, dad. He didn't walk right until Groundhog Day. I had to buy him a cushion for his desk chair."

_**WCWCWCWCWCWCWCWC**_

"Who's this handsome man?" Elizabeth's mom asked. They had settled in and the Burkes sat in their living room with their guests.

"Who, me?" Neal asked coyly, "Oh, I'm just a friend. A _special _friend."

Elizabeth's dad scoffed. "Peter doesn't have friends. Who are you really?"

Peter downed the rest of his drink and looked out the window. They're starting early this year, he thought. Looks like lessons will be taught before presents.

"Oh, Peter has friends," Neal reiterated, "and his friends would do anything for him."

"Peter, your Christmas tree is just horrid," Elizabeth's mom interjected. "Is this Douglas fir? How barbaric."

"I thought I told your husband that if he didn't get a Scotch pine I would have to teach him another lesson."

"No, please, I forgot," Peter mewled, "I don't need another lesson."

Neal stood quickly. "Any lesson you have to teach Peter, you can teach to me instead."

Elizabeth's dad stood just as quickly and he unbuckled his belt with one deft hand. "Have it your way, son."

_**WCWCWCWCWCWCWCWC**_

"And if this side of the right triangle is 3, and the other is 4, then what does that make the hypotenuse?"

Neal scribbled on his paper. "I...I don't know! I'm a thief, not a mathematician."

"Think damn you! Or I'll have to demonstrate length again with my belt!"

"5! Is it 5?!"

Elizabeth's dad sat down. "That is correct. Here's a present."

Neal took the wrapped box from Elizabeth's dad and smiled. Perhaps the lessons weren't that hard after all.

_**WCWCWCWCWCWCWCWC**_

Later that evening, after the inlaws had left, Peter and Neal sat in the kitchen. Peter had finished the eggnog and had resorted to just eating raw eggs. The gift lay between them on the table.

"Well aren't you going to open it?" Peter asked, yolk dribbling down his chin.

Neal shrugged and unwrapped the present.

"What is it?" Peter asked insistently.

Neal grabbed the object out of the box and flopped it onto the table.

"It's a dildo."

"Yes it is."

"Maybe it's from the Louvre."

"It still has the tags. It's from Priscilla's."

Neal laughed. "Well, we might as well put it to good use. Wanna join me upstairs?"

The pair ascended the stairs toward the master bedroom. Elizabeth stopped them at the top. "Where are you two heading at this hour?" she asked.

"None of your business, woman!" Peter bellowed. "We've got man things to do. Don't bother us!"

Neal put his hand on Peter's shoulder and said, "If Elizabeth wants to join, I don't see the harm in it."

Peter thought for a moment, picking an eggshell from his teeth. "Well, I suppose we'll need a spotter."

_**WCWCWCWCWCWCWCWC**_

Peter and Elizabeth sat on the bed as Neal brandished the dildo like a lightsaber. "Vrrm, verrrrmmmm," Neal enunciated, emulating the light energy of the weapon he imagined.

"Oh, Neal," Peter and Elizabeth said in unison. That dog they have that's in some of the episodes barked approvingly. The laugh track erupts and the action freeze frames. Credits roll. Filmed in front of a live studio audience.

The end.


End file.
